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Justin Bieber is a recent phenom from the wonderful land up north, Canada. He started with YouTube video and now has his own World Tour! Pretty impressive for a 16 year-old… but that got me thinking. Don’t artists usually sing about experiences they’ve had? With songs like “Baby” I wondered what sort of experience Bieber could be singing about and then it hit me: this song is not about a girl he affectionately calls “baby”, but literally a baby! It all makes sense now! See how much Justin Bieber misses his play dates as a wee lil’ tyke with a “baby girl” from the neighborhood:

You know you love me, I know you care
Just shout whenever, and I’ll be there

Babies are drawn to noise. It’s part of their set of survival instincts.

You are my love, you are my heart
And we will never, ever, ever be apart

“Until my mom comes and picks me up.”

Are we an item? Girl, quit playin’

She’s a baby, all she does is play with her Barbies and plastic cars.

”We’re just friends,” what are you sayin’?

You crazy, babies don’t talk! Maybe you’re confusing sounds with words.

Said “there’s another,” and looked right in my eyes

There are other babies in the cul-de-sac? Of course there are!

My first love broke my heart for the first time.

Sharing teething rings doesn’t a relationship make.

And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh
Like baby, baby, baby, no
Like baby, baby, baby, oh

Justin Bieber has soiled his diapers.

I thought you’d always be mine, mine
For you, I would have done whatever
And I just can’t believe we’re here together

Mostly because your memory hasn’t developed to the point where you can remember your play date last week.

And I wanna play it cool, but I’m losin’ you

I hate to break it to ya but babies have terrible attention spans.

I’ll buy you anything, I’ll buy you any ring.

The play money you’re chewing on can’t get anything.

And I’m in pieces, baby fix me
And just shake me ‘til you wake me from this bad dream
I’m goin’ down, down, down, down
And I just can’t believe my first love won’t be around

Naptime already? He’s having nightmares…

And I’m like baby, baby, baby, oh
Like baby, baby, baby, no
Like baby, baby, baby, oh
I thought you’d always be mine, mine

And wakes up crying and soils his diapers again.

When I was 13, I had my first love,
There was nobody that compared to my baby,
And nobody came between us or could ever come above
She had me goin’ crazy,
Oh I was starstruck,
She woke me up daily,
Don’t need no Starbucks.
She made my heart pound,
And skip a beat when I see her in the street and,
At school on the playground,
But I really wanna see her on the weekend,
She know she got me gazin’,
Cuz she was so amazin’,
And now my heart is breakin’,
But I just keep on sayin’…

Luda, you’re 33. What are you doing with a kid who’s 16? Should we be worried?

Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought you’d always be mine, mine

Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought you’d always be mine, mine

Wow what is this kid eating! He soils himself not once, but twice… diarrhea much?

(I’m gone)
Yeah, yeah, yeah (6x)
(Now I’m all gone, now I’m all gone, now I’m all gone)
Gone, gone, gone, (gone)
I’m gone.

Driving away in a supercool minivan.

I think we should give him a second chance though. Perhaps checking out his music video might reveal to us a deep and complex soul who has experienced the high of love and the low of loss.

Strike 2! The video starts off promising by panning across Bieber standing in front of a Hard Rock Cafe and other glitzy looking buildings with lights. But whaaaaa!? At 0:09 seconds we find ourselves in a bowling alley. It seems we’ve been upgraded from babies to 5th graders. I guess babies are too hard to train for music videos…

The first thing to notice is that the boys and girls are separated. What are they afraid of, cooties? At 0:40 Bieber goes over bravely it seems as a diplomat between the sexes but instead he grabs the girl he is crushin’ on and pulls her toward him causing her to push him away. Justin Bieber doesn’t take the hint and hops onto the ball-returning machine. This is classic elementary school behavior where when you like a girl you don’t tell her you like her but you pull her hair instead. This behavior continues for another minute until… DANCE BATTLE! What!? How does this even fit in with the rest of the song? Sucks for the people who are at the bowling alley to bowl and can’t because of a dance battle. “Oh honey, there’s a battle going on in this bowling alley too. I guess we’ll have to go home and cry ourselves to sleep.”

Finally Luda shows up to show these kids how it’s done. Or not…

Does anybody else notice the guido fist pump at 2:59? Aside from Luda trying to kill Justin Bieber at 3:17 the music video doesn’t improve much. Somehow we are to believe that the girl realizes she likes Bieber through all this and they walk away holding hands from an escalator.

Last but not least, have you seen his hair?:


Strike 3.


One Trackback/Pingback

  1. […] mean time I made a new song parody (this time of Justin Bieber’s “Baby”) so check that out. This’ll be the last time I can post until I’m moved in which should be […]

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