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Justin Bieber is a recent phenom from the wonderful land up north, Canada. He started with YouTube video and now has his own World Tour! Pretty impressive for a 16 year-old… but that got me thinking. Don’t artists usually sing about experiences they’ve had? With songs like “Baby” I wondered what sort of experience Bieber could be singing about and then it hit me: this song is not about a girl he affectionately calls “baby”, but literally a baby! It all makes sense now! See how much Justin Bieber misses his play dates as a wee lil’ tyke with a “baby girl” from the neighborhood:

You know you love me, I know you care
Just shout whenever, and I’ll be there

Babies are drawn to noise. It’s part of their set of survival instincts.

You are my love, you are my heart
And we will never, ever, ever be apart

“Until my mom comes and picks me up.”

Are we an item? Girl, quit playin’

She’s a baby, all she does is play with her Barbies and plastic cars.

”We’re just friends,” what are you sayin’?

You crazy, babies don’t talk! Maybe you’re confusing sounds with words.

Said “there’s another,” and looked right in my eyes

There are other babies in the cul-de-sac? Of course there are!

My first love broke my heart for the first time.

Sharing teething rings doesn’t a relationship make.

And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh
Like baby, baby, baby, no
Like baby, baby, baby, oh

Justin Bieber has soiled his diapers.

I thought you’d always be mine, mine
For you, I would have done whatever
And I just can’t believe we’re here together

Mostly because your memory hasn’t developed to the point where you can remember your play date last week.

And I wanna play it cool, but I’m losin’ you

I hate to break it to ya but babies have terrible attention spans.

I’ll buy you anything, I’ll buy you any ring.

The play money you’re chewing on can’t get anything.

And I’m in pieces, baby fix me
And just shake me ‘til you wake me from this bad dream
I’m goin’ down, down, down, down
And I just can’t believe my first love won’t be around

Naptime already? He’s having nightmares…

And I’m like baby, baby, baby, oh
Like baby, baby, baby, no
Like baby, baby, baby, oh
I thought you’d always be mine, mine

And wakes up crying and soils his diapers again.

Luda
When I was 13, I had my first love,
There was nobody that compared to my baby,
And nobody came between us or could ever come above
She had me goin’ crazy,
Oh I was starstruck,
She woke me up daily,
Don’t need no Starbucks.
She made my heart pound,
And skip a beat when I see her in the street and,
At school on the playground,
But I really wanna see her on the weekend,
She know she got me gazin’,
Cuz she was so amazin’,
And now my heart is breakin’,
But I just keep on sayin’…

Luda, you’re 33. What are you doing with a kid who’s 16? Should we be worried?

Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought you’d always be mine, mine

Baby, baby, baby ohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought you’d always be mine, mine

Wow what is this kid eating! He soils himself not once, but twice… diarrhea much?

(I’m gone)
Yeah, yeah, yeah (6x)
(Now I’m all gone, now I’m all gone, now I’m all gone)
Gone, gone, gone, (gone)
I’m gone.

Driving away in a supercool minivan.

I think we should give him a second chance though. Perhaps checking out his music video might reveal to us a deep and complex soul who has experienced the high of love and the low of loss.

Strike 2! The video starts off promising by panning across Bieber standing in front of a Hard Rock Cafe and other glitzy looking buildings with lights. But whaaaaa!? At 0:09 seconds we find ourselves in a bowling alley. It seems we’ve been upgraded from babies to 5th graders. I guess babies are too hard to train for music videos…

The first thing to notice is that the boys and girls are separated. What are they afraid of, cooties? At 0:40 Bieber goes over bravely it seems as a diplomat between the sexes but instead he grabs the girl he is crushin’ on and pulls her toward him causing her to push him away. Justin Bieber doesn’t take the hint and hops onto the ball-returning machine. This is classic elementary school behavior where when you like a girl you don’t tell her you like her but you pull her hair instead. This behavior continues for another minute until… DANCE BATTLE! What!? How does this even fit in with the rest of the song? Sucks for the people who are at the bowling alley to bowl and can’t because of a dance battle. “Oh honey, there’s a battle going on in this bowling alley too. I guess we’ll have to go home and cry ourselves to sleep.”

Finally Luda shows up to show these kids how it’s done. Or not…

Does anybody else notice the guido fist pump at 2:59? Aside from Luda trying to kill Justin Bieber at 3:17 the music video doesn’t improve much. Somehow we are to believe that the girl realizes she likes Bieber through all this and they walk away holding hands from an escalator.

Last but not least, have you seen his hair?:

justin-bieber-hate-koreans

Strike 3.

Barely older than me at the age of 22, Mike Posner is making waves in the music industry. The single “Cooler Than Me” has done quite well including reaching number 6 on the Billboard Top 100. Odd for a song that reveals Mike Posner to be an awkward dude who’s been stalking a girl. Let’s have a look:

If I could write you a song,
and make you fall in love,

This man retreats to his room at night and writes emotional poetry and songs about how alone he is and how everyone else is just a player hater. Also, they’re terrible so don’t impress anyone.

I would already have you up under my arm.

Putting a girl’s face in your armpit is not considered polite in the United States.

I’ve used up all of my tricks,

Funny jokes, pick up lines, wing men, chloroform, etc.

I hope that you like this.
but you probably won’t,
you think you’re cooler than me.

Either he can read minds or is in denial of the fact that the root of the problem may be with him.

you got designer shades,
just to hide your face and
you wear them around like
you’re cooler than me.
and you never say hey,

It’d be easier if she wasn’t trying to hide from her stalker. Still don’t know? It’s you, buddy!

or remember my name.

It helps if you’ve actually talked to her at some point.

its probably cuz,
you think you’re cooler than me.

More denial.

You got your high brow
shoes on your feet,
and you wear them around,
like they ain’t shit.
but you don’t know,
the way that you look,
when your steps
make
that
much
noise.

He’s been stalking her long enough to know what shoes she wears. And in fact he’s put listening devices in her high brow shoes, hence the noise. It’s really loud through his earpiece.

see I got you,
all figured out,

A little black book with everything she’s done for the last month.

you need everyone’s eyes just to feel seen.
girl, your so vain,
you probably think that this song is about you.
don’t you? don’t you?

It is.

if I could write you a song,
and make you fall in love,
I would already have you up under my arm.
I used up all of my tricks,
I hope that you like this.
but you probably won’t,
you think you’re cooler than me.

you got designer shades,
just to hide your face and
you wear them around like,
you’re cooler than me.
and you never say hey,
or remember my name.
it’s probably cuz,
you think you’re cooler than me.

At this point, I’m gonna say that everyone can agree the hobo down the street who generously makes donations of his bodily wastes to the public has become cooler than him.

you got your high brow
switch in your walk

It’s called running.

and you don’t even look when you pass by.
but you don’t know,
the way that you look.
when your steps make
that
much
noise.

It really does help if you’re not hiding in a dark, shadowed corner.

‘Cause it sure seems
(‘Cause it sure seems)
You got no doubt
(That you got no doubt)
But we all see
(We all see)
You got your head in the clouds
(Clouds)

A.K.A. “I just drugged you.”

If the lyrics aren’t enough, take a look at the music video:

Less than 30 seconds into the actual song (the first minute is just some filler /transition type material) we can already see that the character in question has no respect for personal space. For some reason he thinks he’s in a world where he’s the only one moving around and begins to mess with girls’ shades, blatantly stealing one at 1:32. With the shades on the illusion disappears but now we’re witness to the guy walking around – and if we’re to believe the camera is his perspective – getting up close into girls’ personal spaces staring at them, and then at 2:18 taking pictures of presumably random girls in a drunken stupor. At 2:24 the girl he steals shades from returns and takes them back angrily. The man dismisses her emotions with a flick of his wrist and walks off completely unaware that his actions were the cause. He probably thinks the blonde chick is “cooler than [him]” too.

Later, at 2:48 he starts getting close to a girl who is clearly not interested. And then blatantly steals her glasses right off her face. Clearly this individual is oblivious to social etiquette. I really think he’s also on drugs because with the glasses on he sees an entirely different party in which he barges in on conversations not with an introduction or even a witty comment but with his face pushing up toward the girl’s face, completely ignoring the other participant. At 3:26 we find this man in bed with a girl who seems incapable of moving due to either crystal meth or vodka. Aaaand he takes her shades! Does he have a fetish or something?

At 3:37 the drugs must finally be hitting their peak because the world is oddly colorful in colors that shouldn’t be there and as he tries to grab a girl he misses completely partly due to her walking off disgusted (look at her face!) and partly because his motor control has reached nil.

After stumbling around a bit he decides to steal ANOTHER pair of shades, this time from an unsuspecting guy and begins to fantasize about girls in their underwear.

Finally, he leaves the party as the drugs wear off returning to his lonely reality continuing to think to himself that the only reason he doesn’t have a stable life is because the people around him think they’re cooler than him.

Poor guy…

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